Live, Laugh, Learn, & most of all Love (www.loyal21.com)

A full moon reflects down on LeeSue Ranch here on the east coast of the North American continent.  Clear skies away from city lights allow the stars to shine just as bright as the moon.  Flashlights and headlights are not necessary because the dirt road path is lit by the sun’s massive reflection off the surface of the entire moon.  Slowly I roll up to the house to see The Chief of the Ranch, wide awake and cautious at first but once he recognizes my scent it’s time to play.  A lively little fellow after having no attention or anyone to play with all day long he brings me his duck, a training toy to teach him to retrieve not that any Golden Retriever ever had to be taught this innate trait.  I throw it and he returns it time after time.  A game he would never tire of I am sure but the weather is a bit chilly out on this November night so I head into the empty house.  No children are here this evening but I know at one point they were here by their arts and crafts plastered on the fridge.  Some are incoherent globs of stick people with guns and big tired trucks and others are pretty green grass, sun always blazing, tidy white fenced houses, flower gardens, and always “I Love” statements written in pink.  They are not here right now but I know that they once were and Lord willing they will return soon.  The house is cold and empty and it will be simply me and Chief here on LeeSue Ranch this evening, the way it was last night and more than likely the way it will be tomorrow as well.  She isn’t here either, hasn’t been for a while.  Just like the children she has left her mark here and there around the house and just like the children she is not here right now but she once was and hopefully one day will be again.  The silly thing is I notice that not even the field mice are around any longer.  I don’t know if I caught them all, the tractor mowed them down while cutting the fields or Chief is starting to be a really good hunting dog.  I fix a solo meal, a single cup, and slide one chair out from the table.  A single meal for a single man in the solitude and privacy of his empty home a routine reminiscent of younger years spent alone.  A hot shower with an endless supply of scalding water, somewhat of a rare feature when more than one person lives in a house and a king sized bed to sprawl across without ever hitting the edge of the bed or the edge of someone else.  It once was the children that snuggled up so close at night and for years they stayed right next to me but they are not here right now.  After the children it was her, the sheet queen, the snuggle bunny but like I said before Chief and I are the only ones here this evening.  Dozing off and dazing outside the window at the glow of the sun that reflects off the moon I am sent off into the night while thinking about this phenomenon.  How silly are we that until we can associate one of our senses with something that we tend to question its existence.  I’m not talking about Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster.  How foolish would it sound for me to say I don’t believe in the Sun?  I can clearly see the Sun’s effect on the moon and knowing what I know I can wait until tomorrow and see the Sun directly.  The same silly notion makes me think of my loved ones.  Simply because they are not here and I can’t place one of the ordinary five senses on them doesn’t mean they aren’t real.  And surely I couldn’t say because I can’t paint a certain quantity of ‘Love’ bright blue and place it in a box with a bow that I don’t love them.  Or even more critical to me on this lonely night, since they have never gift wrapped a bowed box with X amount of ‘Love’ painted bright blue and given it to me does this mean that they do not love me dearly?  By no means, I can see the effects of them being in my life and the love they have for me in/on my life the same as the sun on the moon. 

So yes here I sleep, alone on this cold November evening shortly after Thanksgiving the way I did last night and will do once again tomorrow.  However, I am not alone in spirit, friendship, or love and wherever they might be they are not alone either.  I am with them and they are with me and at this moment we might not be able to see one another but then again I can’t see the sun right now either but I know it exists.  See you at dawn my loved ones but until then I’ll admire you through the moon.

Take it easy,

Derrick Lee Myers

Busy months have swept away precious times off our lives. Time that will only be remembered as drained duty filled days. Work riddled weeks slowly turn into months when the second job takes up almost as much time as the first job. Chores, repairs, building, permits, payments, breaking, upgrading, resetting, chores, repairs, and the cycle continues to be full with little room for error and even less room for relaxation. We come to a point at which there are still plenty of things to finish, however, right now we have set aside this time to be slow. A time to listen to mild classical music mixed with a few easy love songs by Jack Johnson, Damien Rice, and a few other favorites of mine. Here we sit in the house we built together. Not the actual structure built together, although after all the repairs we have done it sure feels like it, but the home we have created for ourselves to enjoy. Red candles that match perfectly our red walls which her artistic mind set into reality, light our Chambord Chicken entrée and wine glasses slightly filled with white wine. The conversation follows the music and is easy, lighthearted, and loving. We enjoy our meal, our conversation, our time together in this moment of peace, relaxation, and slow momentum that time seems to afford us this evening. However, something about her this evening, or the way the wine is turning my mind, sets me into a tangent in which I detail the way this man's mind works….does she need to hear this? Probably not; by now I am sure she has already come to the conclusions I am about to give her but for the satisfaction of my own settled mind I begin to detail the ramblings of my mind ………

There was a man who was not one to be bound, cornered, or forced to do anything regardless of who was pushing, pulling, or otherwise directing. He could care less if the situation is clear as to the direction(s) he should go and take. He was his own man and will take the paths he so desired to take, and yes many of them were trekking through the woods rather than speeding along the four lane highway the most direct route but as we all know this man did not do things par for the course, nor the easiest way, but he did seem to finish in good shape none the less. In the beginning he had a relationship where he gave nothing and nothing was required or requested. No strings, no commitments, no questions, and certainly no reasons why. As this relationship progressed the man gave more of himself, more of his time, more of his life, more of everything, especially more of this tattered thing we all call love than he had in a very long time. As he gave the relationship gladly consumed the portions with delight but still requested and required nothing. In the last little while he gave tremendous portions of himself, he gave it because the relationship deserved it, earned it, and done well in the past with the pieces he had given. He even allowed a certain fudge factor or error room should the relationship mistake and take just a little more than he was actually giving. He allowed the relationship to "run the reins" with the things he knew it would take pride in and enjoy. It was all great and still the relationship did not force him in the direction he was to go and yet his path continued to grow closer, deeper and stronger into and with the relationship. He was delighted in the hands off approach, in the ability of the relationship to maneuver his directions simply by being the way the relationship was…itself, easy, confident, sexy, loving, etc... The relationship allowed him to be himself and he allowed it to be itself and they both came closer towards one another by being who they really were surely at their own pace and generally at whoever was the slower, which was almost undoubtedly always our young fellow. Then there came a change, a change where bindings were slapped on, restrictions applied, and questions flew rampant. Almost as if the relationship had been stalking him like an animal and luring him in with honey and as soon as he got close enough it pounced. It tied his leg so he couldn't run, when he broke the tie and ran anyway questions were hurled at him as to why he would do such a thing. He would sleep and curious questions would arise as to why, he would have a restless night and again curious questions would arise as to why, someone would call, no one would call, he wouldn't call, they said this, she said that, comments were left, jealousies were found, insecurities flared, who said what, and short or long the answer(s) wouldn't suffice this curious kitty nor would any words. So he did what every free living creature would do, fought for his freedom. Fought to breath free air once again, lashed back at his predator, and surely wounded the relationship all to save who he was and the freedom he had not wanted to give up to the relationship. No relationship would change him, no hook would hold him! Certain things he did not want to change and no matter how in love he was he would not allow it to change him not this time…

We went from a peaceful evening to me screaming "Freedom" like William Wallace on the torture rack. Maybe the wine had been talking a little bit too long.
She assures me she did not realize why I had been so vile, so resistant, and so mean to almost all of her and hers. She also insists she will be better, less restrictive, less insecure, and more loving, patient, and understanding. Damn I have pressed the issue further than I had anticipated and now I can sense the helpless little girl has come out and is embarrassed as though she has done something wrong. Shit I can't let the night end in this way. I can't allow her to feel as though her bright new toy just fell in the mudd, as if I am completely and utterly tired of all the shenanigans. By no means I still do love her, dearly at that, love what she has done for me, to me, with me, and for us. Love her like my best friend because she is my best friend. I must show her now because tomorrow will be too late and William Wallace and I have said enough for this evening.

The last of my wine goes down smoothly and I place the glass in the sink on my way towards that beautiful blonde babe that I ever so lovingly call by a name I created for her. She responds and says that no one called her by that name until I came around. I don't say a word and take her soft hand slowly into mine wrapping my protection not just around her hand but around her completely. You are in the safety of my arms now sweetheart, no need for worries. Kisses are exchanged, pleasantries are passed, holding hands turn into hearty hugs, and sliding hands slip the remaining clothes, that the wine hadn't already taken, off to the floor. It's a slow evening, with slow songs, slow hands, and close bodies. The time is easy on us and we are easy with one another. Not easy like a whore is easy but easy for the other to handle, not a great deal of effort generally has to be placed into the other because we fit. It is simple getting into a pair of pants that fit and you love wearing them because they fit so well. She is easy and fits to me and for the most part I fit to her and am easy for her to figure out, comprehend, and love. Coupled together it is easy to distinguish her beautiful body from my physical features but even so the undertone is love and where it exudes few could distinguish. She has soft gentle lady hands, one that claps the back of my neck and the other the lower part of my back side to keep in rhythm with me as I love the soft skin of her inner thighs wrapped around my waist. In the end the race on the road of life is long and hard but it truly is only with yourself and having someone to share your life with will mean nothing to most but everything to those few that you do actually share the portions of your life with daily.


Take it easy,

Derrick Lee Myers

6:15 a.m. and the alarm rings. I seem to recognize this familiar day, almost as though I have been here once before.  I untangle the mess of blanket wrapped around me that I have woven all night long, not nearly enough sleep was had this night.  “Pretty Princess Kylee” I whisper to the only female who will ever have every last drop of my devotion, “Time to get up sweetheart.”  A slight rustle to let me know she heard me and a slow sigh to let me know its way to early Dad.  We both eventually get about by brushing our teeth and other normal morning routines of getting up and ready for the day.  She is off to the babysitters and I am off on the motorcycle heading to work.  The bike has seen me more lately; we’ve had more frequent conversations recently for some reason.  It is a good little jaunt from where we are to where we need to be with plenty of time to get there so we take our time.  She is silly sluggish on cool mornings like this, sluggish until I get her twisted out to about 13,000 rpm’s.  I give her the love she requires on these early mornings and continue to keep her in the upper 25% of her rev range; then again this is normal for our relationship.  She knows I ride hard, love even harder, and will always take care of her with no questions asked.  She knows I ask a tremendous amount from her as we dance in this life together but also deliver a kind of complete care she has never seen before and will never see again should she ever leave from under my protective care.  She must be faithful to me, dedicated to that extra mile, understanding of the abuse given, accepting of the sometimes ‘rough relationship’ set forth, willing and able to be flexible in every aspect.  I talk to her this morning and she listens, as always, very attentively.  Listens to the wordless conversations of my emotions transferred between her and I, she knows our pace today is going to be mellow with my demeanor in a lackluster lump as we both listen to Scott Weiland tell everyone to ‘take time with a wounded hand because it likes to heal.’  Yes take time… she has always taken time in the past and yet even more time will be needed, but have no doubt she will take that time as well… she is after all mine and I am hers.  We both focus on nothing; we see everything ahead but still focus on nothing.  It is better to see all and spotlight nothing than to centralize your attention on only one item and miss completely other possible hindrances because of tunnel vision.  We dance well together, feeding from one another’s energy, listening to one another, sacrificing for the other and in the end a better team than any other. She and I Dance!  Have no fear; those I call mine I will take care of to the end and you are no different.  I will take care of you flawlessly, fearlessly, forever!

Again I say, we dance well together.

To the ride, regardless of where we are going or if we ever get there, to “The Ride!”

Regards,

Derrick Lee Myers

Well this is the last part of this saga I am going to write.  This by no means indicates these are the only reasons why relationships fail but merely that I am tired of pointing out the obvious to the oblivious.  So in my final rendezvous with researching why relationships fail I am going to hit what I feel is the largest reason why relationships suffer and eventually fail and that is communication.

As we all know having no communication in a relationship is certainly a detriment to its forward progression and because this is so obvious I will leave my statement very brief.  Having no communication in any relationship is not a good thing and only children get upset with people and never talk with them again.  Also only children use 3^rd party communication.  If you have something to say to or about me by all means come to me directly and let’s have a discussion about it.  It won’t be grand times of hand holding and skipping but at least you will gain respect as a person by coming to me directly.  I am 27 years and 360 days old and refuse to go through the ‘s/he said’ high school phase once again.  It was retarded back then and it still sucks to this day.  So now that we have the two largest, and most obvious, forms of bad communication out of the way let me get to the one that isn’t as obvious and least understood.

Sometimes communication is not 3^rd party and is certainly present but still it gets us mangled in a mess and we do not know why.  Well let me offer to you my theory on why communication gets us into situations that are not necessary and that is the little word known as interpretation.  You see for years people have been communicating and for as long as they have been communicating there has been interpretations of their words and I am sure somewhere there are millions of misinterpretations.  We are all different in our own respects and have been raised in a train of thought that for the most part we stick to when we go about our lives. The problem comes about when one train of thought crosses another train of thought and we feel there is a conflict of interest in our thought processes.  For example: You and I both go to an art show, we both see the same piece of art, we both see the price tag on the art, and we both are financially able to purchase the art.  However, the art didn’t speak to you the way it spoke to me.  For some reason it made you sad because the colors were dark and gloomy but for me it shared a common tragedy in life and gave me hope that I was not the only one struggling with this battle so I couldn’t get the money out of my pocket fast enough and you knew instantly you were not going to purchase the painting.  The same holds true for words.  There are so many different ways to analyze a word in its contextual surroundings and walk away with several different meanings.  Therefore, knowing that we can do this misinterpretation of even the simplest forms of communication in our day to day lives through no fault of our own or the other parties fault it is our obligation in those relationships we so care to keep in good standings to do a few things.  We must be lenient with in construal of meaning behind every form of interaction and we must seek clarification for those portions of a message we think cross our minds in ways we would rather not see.  If we find that our interaction was formulated correctly on our first assumption then by all means continue on in your brain train processing with your reactions, but I will say that for the most part seeking clarification for those fuzzy matters will certainly help in the long haul of any relationship by building good communication bridges.  And being lenient with the assumptions behind any interpretation will make things easier to swallow for those who have an easy gag reflex.

Well my friends enjoy.  

Take it easy,

Derrick Lee Myers

Ok ladies and gents welcome to another evening of late night writing, slow songs, and analytical thinking about why relationships are all sorts of messed up.  I have received mass amounts of feedback concerning part one of this multi part session and have decided that I will disclose a warning before the next part of ‘Failure.’  So here is your warning… My writings are not designed for you they are for me, they are not a stab in the back, or the chump way of getting my point across they have been here long before anyone was in my life and will be here long after everyone has gone.  I by no means claim that my list is perfect, complete, or in any fashion designed for everyone or anyone who may be reading!  I am not saying your relationship will fail if you are doing or not doing what is listed here but I am simply saying that these reasons I have listed in Part I and will list in following parts are verifiably without a doubt significant reasons why couples who are in romantic relationships will eventually or maybe just possibly call off the relationship, have issues inside the relationship, or not have the greatest relationship they could have had.  I am not a guidance counselor nor do I have any sort of formal training on how to diagnose what is fucked up with your relationship(s) so asking me will only produce my opinion on the situation.  I will be drawing from my experience, my precarious past, and all of those unfortunate events that have terminated all my previous relationships.  I understand that love is a mysterious and yet glorious place to be found and would not question it should it finally rear its ugly head in my direction.  So that being said please take my exhortation not as gospel on the how/when/why/where/who/and what for on relationships but merely a good foundation for why certain things will fail in relationships. So that being said lets move on to a bigger and better subject for this evening and that would be the two reasons for Part II of ‘Failure.’

The first word for this part is intimacy.  I am going to shoot at two groups over this word and the first group is men.  Being a man I would assume I know this side of the argument the best but can clearly see the woman’s stance on this word.  The first thing that most will think of once the word ‘intimacy’ is uttered is sex and albeit a very important part of intimacy it by no means defines the word or its full characteristics.  All too often a man’s downfall is that he fails to see intimacy in the smaller things in life.  He fails to see holding hands, watching a movie on the couch cuddled under the blanket, talking over a dinner for two, laying in the front yard on the grass soaking up the sun, or anything where time is granted in the presence of another as intimate.  Intimacy isn’t reserved for lovers and most men fail to recognize that intimacy is designed for those who are close regardless of gender or availability.  I can share intimate moments with Bella, who is a motorcycle….don’t call her inanimate, lifeless, or soul-less because she will show you otherwise.  I get to know her and she gets to know me each time we are together.  Riding with Queen B & Z, wrestling in the front yard with LT, tender kisses just because from Kylee, sniper shots from across the room from Nate, movies, dinners, Blockbuster, Best Buy, and Target trips are all intimate time getting to know and understand these wonderful people in my life. That is were men fail in relationships when it comes to intimacy, step back, recognize that all of these things are close to your heart and it doesn’t necessarily need to be sex to be intimate.  Where men need to recognize intimacy in other places and become just a bit softer hearted to where it really lies, women on the other hand need to realize that kindness does not equal intimacy all the time.  Men are very simple creatures and when you need help we are going to help you, it is in our bones to do so and it simply will never change.  Understand that simply because we are nice does not mean squat, just because we help you achieve your goals as a friend is no indication of commitment, and certainly do not mistake the fact that if sex is involved that we have a romantic interest in you.  I put this as harsh as possible because where men need to soften up is where women need to toughen up.  Sometimes we don’t want to ‘make love,’ sometimes we don’t want a good girl we want a naughty girl, sometimes in our primal stage of being a male we simply want our physical needs/wants met, and sometimes we really only want to invest in fifteen minutes of sex minus feelings/emotions/pleasantries.  Women it is your obligation to understand this and protect yourself if this is not the direction you would like to go with your life and hopefully you will find a man who shares the same level of commitment to you as you do for him and you will both be found at the same level of intimacy at the same time which brings us to the second word of Part II – Timing.

This is a gigantic reason as to why a large amount of relationships fail.  She was ready for something more, he wasn’t ready to move on to that next step, and so the start of bad timing begins.  There are endless scenarios that involve bad timing or different playing fields when it comes to timing so there really is no point in me trying to detail every single one of them out here.  However, I will try to encapsulate the general idea of timing by saying that the two people who are in the relationship must be at the same stage, very similar stages, or willing to move closer in proximity if they are to make their relationship work.  You must be close in proximity on the majority of every issue your relationship could face.  You should understand what the other wants, feels, goals, ideas, thoughts, motivation, and direction is on the majority of subjects.  How does the other view intimacy, friends, lovers, money, entertainment, morality, ethics, work, and the list continues on.  I am by no means saying that you must be standing on the same square foot tile on every subject but you certainly can not be standing on separate square foot tiles in different department stores located in different cities where states separate you.  The closer in proximity that your two ideals on readiness for commitment, intimacy, friendship, children, church, time away, time together, cleanliness habits, etc, so on and so forth the more likely that there will be less complications and drama when two ideas come together and they were not as close to what we had expected from the other.  It is NOBODIES fault when two people are not on the same time sync.  It is not a finger pointing affair or a fault finding problem, there is no common denominator when it comes to two people who are not at the same stage in life as the other.  It isn’t fair for one to pull the other to where they want them to be and it isn’t fair to push back when you don’t want to go by force but would rather end at your destination by allowing life to take you there at your own pace rather than at your partners pace.  Everyone does not share the same pace or the same stage in life.  Knowing what pace your partner is and what stage they are at in their life is the exact reason why timing is so very important.  So many times in my life I have been pulled by various women to be in a place, situation, or commitment level that I did not want to be and would not go because I knew that was their place to stand, not mine.  Again I enforce it is nobodies fault for not being where the other expects them to be and it is not a sign of a healthy relationship when one is pulling or pushing the other in any fashion to be relocated in an area of life where they have not stepped into by their own accord.

Well ladies and gentlemen… leave your issues, questions, quandaries, comments, and concerns.  Another late night has me ready to see my pillow, lay next to those beautiful babies, and hold them close.  Good night all and may all of your relationships be happy, full of love, packed with excitement, and endure the tests of time with limited weathering.

Take it easy,

Derrick Lee Myers

new blog... enjoy the poem, embrace the despair. Enjoy the hurt because it is yours... enjoy it because I share it... enjoy it because your hopelessness is my hopelessness. Enjoy me.




Closer.


Closer now than I was before
Closer now than I was just then on the last line
Even closer now … see me I must be getting closer… I must!

If my end is to be satisfied
If my end is to find that single true one
If the finish line has her wrapped up for me forever, together, us.

Then I must be getting closer
As time slips into the future I am closer, I must be
Anyone can see my progress towards what I am after in this solitary life.

What a journey I have traveled.
What a painstakingly time consuming adventure.
I have embarked on what seems the most eluding chase of all time.

If I am one thing she is drawn to me.
If I am that unobtainable, uncaring, unfazed, jerk…
That lone roaming wolf... Carefree, wild, untamed, inaccessible, and crazy.. she comes.

If I am what she really wants she ignores me.
If I am that obtainable, caring, concerned, dedicated, nice guy
That papa bear that watches over his family, mild, meek, tame, and loving she flees.

She gets no closer but with time.
If I chase she runs faster than I can get to her to hold on.
If I sit she dances around me w/ a taunting presence, tempting the chase again.

But I am closer… right?
Closer now than I was before I assume
Closer to knowing that a man of my age realizes he knows less each day.


Take it easy,

Derrick Lee Myers